Sunday, July 29th, 2007

Last week was spent watching the old farts MTV ( The Weather Chanel) hoping to catch a break from the gods of thunder for our Friday foray out onto the links. Well, as luck would have it, thunderstorms were being predicted at 90% for Friday! No matter how many times a day I looked at that grinning snot on the TV, the percentages would not change! I felt sure she knew I was planning a golf day. Oh, the conspiracy of it all! Needless to say, my golf buddy Mitch and I decided to move our golf game ahead by one day. But, the only tee off time I could get was 2:14 PM. Now that sneering bitch on the weather chanel has consistently lied to me in the past. So when she said that Thursday was going to be a screaming hot day, I simply scoffed at her predictions and yelled at the TV that she really must see a professional hairstylist! ( You do that sort of thing when you become an old fart; as if they will answer you back,,,) I confirmed my tee off time and snickered under my breath.
Spring ahead to Thursday. Lovely day! I walk out the front door, and immediately break out in torrential sweat! That trollop! What a time to get all truthful on me! One of those days where you dehydrate while walking from your front door to the car! 9 yards of hell! Thank God for air conditioning! Well, at least until you get out onto the golf course. I arrived at the club and was greeted by a very sweaty Mitch, guzzling a bottle of Evian, and looking like a drowned rat. Having paid our fees, we made our way to the first tee where we were greeted by the Start Marshall. He introduced us to the two lads would make up our foursome. Now, I say lads, becuase these were two young men in the prime of their youth, built like lumberjacks, and dry as a bone! This promised to be a long day. Eric was the first to tee up. The sound of the club head striking the ball was like the sound of a bullwhip cracking! Now I KNEW we were screwed! The second lads drive was the same. After the prerequisite " Nice drive!" ( which roughly translates in golfspeak to " Ya rotten bastard!") it was my turn. I was spared embarrassment, and hit a fairly decent drive. Unfortunately, the heat and stress seemed to have taken its toll on Mitch. Sorry, I cannot repeat the expletives here. Thus, we advanced to our approach shots. Now, I must say here, I am not the longest driver by any stretch of the imagination, But I DO practise my short game a lot. The same could not be said for our young friends. The frustration was evident, and I must say; with an evil cackle; I was loving it!
Well, 18 holes later, Mitch and I were ready to be transported to hospital for heat stroke. I had drank so much water, my pee was crystalline! Upon arriving home, I had the sanity of mind to jot down the web address of the weather chanel How dare she decide to tell the truth without advance warning! I fired off an e mail, but that, is another story,,,,,,,

Wednesday July 25th, 2007

It is now 1:00 PM on a blistering hot afternoon, and i am safely ensconced in my living room after having completed the ultimate suburbanite rite of passage! yes, I went to Walmart! Why is it that every time I go into one of these big " One stop shopping" stores, I feel like shouting out " Gentlemen, start yer engines! Git r done!" And today, I must say, I fit right in. Cut off jeans, baseball cap, tee shirt( exposing my splendid tractor tan!) and ratty old sneakers. To be honest, I probably looked like I was on my lunch break from Bubba's BBQ and Bait Shop, looking for a shiny new shotgun. In fact, I was looking for some golf shorts.
So, there I was, amidst all the overweight Mommas in sundressses and flip flops, screaming kids in tow, all of us looking for that bargain basement deal. The kids of course, had other plans. " Where's the Harry Potter stuff? You said we could go to MacDonalds! Mom, Davey said you were gonna buy him a beebee gun! Are we done yet?" The Moms look at me and smile thru gritted teeth, but i know that as soon as I am around the corner and out of sight, I am going to hear " Whack!"
Well, I made it safely to the golf section, feeling very proud at having dodged another bullet. Not a Mom or kid in sight. Now, time to shop. By the way, did I mention I speed shop? Just ask my beautiful sister June. " Yep, these'll do." " Would you like to try them on?" " Nope, they're fine, thank you." Time to hit the check out counter and that seventeen year old cashier with braces and a uni-brow. Screaming heat hits me as the doors open onto a sea of minivans with Garfield cats stuck to the windows and " baby on board" signs baking in the noon day sun. Now, just one stop left; the grocery store. But, that's another story,,,,,

Sunday, July 22nd, 2007

I have never been a " griper". Headstrong, yes. Quick to react, yes. Severly lacking in patience, yes. But griping? I have always left that for the next person. Until today! Being a beautiful summers morning, I thought to meander my way to work using the scenic route along the lake. Hot coffee in the coffee holder ( Tim Hortons of course), windows rolled down, and easy listening music on the radio as i cruised past the stately homes with manicured lawns and sprawling gardens. Rather idyllic, I must say. Then, I saw them! The bane of every motorist to dare travel a winding lakeshore road on a Sunday morning! The Cyclist Gang! Now we are not talking about the mountain bike, cut off jeans and sneakers type here. No way! We are talking about overweight middle aged men and women in skin tight spandex shorts and tops of multi-colored, florescent nylon. The kind that remind you of an explosion in a paint factory. Tractor tans, the color of a fudgesickle! Oh, stop your giggling, you've seen them! Don't these people have children to say " Mom, Dad, you are NOT going out in public wearing those shorts!" I would imagine that these are the same " snowbirds" that haunt the Florida beaches in the winter months; 100 mm cigarette in one hand and a lite beer in the other. I say lite beer because it is less fattening. And every overweight middle aged man must strive to look his best in his new Speedo. Right? And the lite beer WOULD be less fattening if you didn't drink enough of it to float a battleship! But, I digress,,,, Following these weekend wonders and Lance Armstrong wannabes, I was tempted to scream out in my frustration," With the arses I am seeing, I hope that those bicycle frames are made of Titanium!" But I thought better of it and simply chewed another cigarette. And what of those bicycle seats anyways? Is it just my warped thinking, or do you really have to be a rectile masochist to ride one of things for mile upon mile? As I lapped the slowest of the pack; the older girl with no visible seat at all ,( are you getting the picture?) she turned and looked at me with al the enthusiasm of a hampster on a treadmill! A face like she was weened on a pickle! I was tempted to call out, " Are we having fun yet?" But, I thought better of it and continued chewing my cigarette. At this point, I switched to a hard rock station and cranked it! Ready to make my move on the pack! An open thousand feet of road, and I gunned it! As I raored past, they all flipped me the bird, in unison! A few miles ahead, I saw another cycle gang taking a breather. All crotch lumps and sweaty bicycle seats! As I passed them, I slowed down, lit up another cigarette, slowly edged my arm out the window, and flipped them the bird! God bless Sunday mornings,,,,,

Saturday, July 21st, 2007

I would hope that anyone who reads this will forgive my not posting earlier, but to be quite frank, I am not very big on these things. My life is not all that exciting as witnessed by todays events. I went to work, then cleaned all the gutters and overhauled my lawnmower. Great stuff for a rock and roll DJ eh? I was going to continue writing the next chapter of my book, but decided that all that thought would prove way too tiring. I have had a lot on my mind of late, and I am in the process of re evaluating situations and decisions I am not happy with. So thinking today was not an option. I have read, with great interest, the blogs of the other DJ's. A witty crew we seem to have! The sun is now hanging low in the western sky, and a warm breeze is beckoning me to bring my tea outside and enjoy the sunset. And so, till next time.........